Author Archives: Crowd Control

So here’s a little stressful anecdote for ya’ll…… #livingthedream Gets to the vets with the 3 kids and rafa in the car ready for her last jabs…. u have to txt and wait outside as to be expected were in lockdown afterall…… waits for what feels like an actual eternity coz Fred’s shouting ‘wanna get out wanna get out’ Leo’s trying the door handles needing a wee a poo a drink and a snack… Eventually gets said puppy into the vets… Fred’s dropped his bait so am changing him in the boot and hes got poop from actual arsehole to breakfast time… Leo’s taking a wee behind a tree and Oscar’s standing round looking his coolest 15 year old self… They fetch the puppy bk out… freds mid change legitimately has jobbie all down his leg and up his back coz the kid is CLEARLY a crocodile and has yet more teeth rocking in… hoys the puppy in the front seat…. gets Fred’s new nappy on and had to bag all the clothes up coz of the shituation…. Oscar comes to the back of the car gagging his insides out in full dramatic form…. coz the puppy took a shit in the front seat lucky on her puppy file but unfortunately the great daft goon fully sat in the shit his jumper and shorts are caked… leos doing cartwheels about the gaff coz ya nah.. he can! Oscar had to take most of his kit off in Robson and Prescotts carpark and him and fred travelled home in their very best undercrackers….. 👀 anyone know where the vodka is…… asking for a friend… peace out bitches am done 😂🤣🙃

So I had been up ever 3 hours through the night coz my littlest baba was rocking scarlet fever (the 1880s rang they want their germs bk) there was spewing and snots and spots and drama and public health were informed… I have never been more grateful we moved to fuckesville with an en suite… I cancelled my 5:45 gym session coz I was so tired i didn’t know if i wanted a shite or a hair cut… I fly round for antibiotics to get my baba bk on track and there are Karen’s all owa the quacks and I almost bite my tongue off coz well they are Karen’s full of opnions and I was in neeee mood!!!! I was facing 8 hours at work which was beyond off the hook coz my office is understaffed coz of the delightful covid… Mr S orders an uber eats to alleviate lunch time stress and they forget afros happy meal, so happy is not how it went down, he came down stairs singing and when he got to the bottom with indeed no happy meal on offer, a 7.5 on the richter scale shit strom ensued… the hysteria was too much so I thought fuck it and drove to the drive through which absolutely can no longer be classed as fast fucking food!!!! obviously when ya kids are shabby u make them drink a fuck tone to keep them happy hydrated and perky. So having drank 2.5ltrs declared at THAT very moment, when ur rocking ur best slippers and bleech stained hoody, stuck at the very back of the drive through queue, that himself has never been more desperate for a wee. So u search for a discarded pop bottle, he unhooks himself from the car seat and pisses in the fucking car and u just close ya eyes and hope to god u dont end up with piss from arsehole to breakfast time all owa ya motor!!! And u think i shouldn’t be eating maccy Ds anyway coz i’ve have been on point all week but am an emotional eater and I thought fuck it fuck that fuck the other and fuck off aswell! And now ur praying for bed time and ur hoping no one gets murdered on the school run! Coz basically the school run is full of bellends and I just cannot make that promise 👀 IS IT FUCKING BEDTIME YET!!!!! P.s Afro is happy and on the mend!

Day 765 of lock down I have realised a few things….. We are indeed in the middle of the afrosaurus terrible 2s reign of terror and in full flow…. Children are not to be trusted with bubbles no matter how much they say they won’t tip them… Roo loves a bubble… I might as well get all the ingredients out of the fridge for tea, chop it into small pieces, put it on a tray and hoy the fucker full pelt all over the kitchen as hard as I can and miss out the middle men of cooking and relentlessly trying to get these mugs to eat any of it including the home made cake and custard 🤯 The fat snaffle that is Boxy is never to be trusted round children with biscuits… 1 hour of full blown hysteria will swiftly follow coz there is indeed no biscuits quite as good as the 1 that was just TWOC and snaffled….. It doesn’t matter how many playmobil men u buy, within 20 mins they WILL all be bald and the dynamic duo afro and asbo will be in an unedited smackdown style brawl over the same bastard 1……. Mama needs a nightly glass of some form of high content alcohol to get through the cunting day without going full on ‘HERE’S JOHNNY’ on someone’s ass……… And last but not least teachers are the actual best please let them come back soon they miss you and I MISS YOU!!!!!!! Still feeling lucky Still feeling blessed Stay home and stay safe bitches there are mamas all over needing this shit to end soon 💋😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣💕👀